Hi. I’ve been married for over 10yrs and also happen to be a Christian counsellor. I’m sorry about what you are going through so early in marriage but to an extent it is expected because first, you are in what I call the “Drama” stage. You are getting to know one another. Yes, you might have dated for a while, you might have “known” each other, you might have even lived together. Once you get married there’s a mental shift (or not) towards life long commitment. This is a shift, be patient with yourself and with your partner. Remember the stages of a team? Forming, storming, norming and performing? To an extent that still applies to marriage. Be patient. Pursue the things that made you close at first. Whether it’s talking a walk together, washing dishes, whatever it is, it helped you build intimacy and connection that is what will keep you in the long run. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Second, in this drama stage, you are learning character flaws about yourself and your partner. Some will be jarring. The rule of thumb is here is “You are the problem in your marriage.” I know everything in you is rebelling against this statement. Truth is, it is always easier to point out the wrong in your partner than the wrong in you. You are only in charge of your responses and reactions not your partner. You are as much a problem as your partner is. Each one reveals their own insecurities, flaws, selfishness that drives them to pull the relationship to their end at the expense of their partner. Self awareness is very important. Understanding your triggers. If something is pissing you off, why is it? If you are finding something disrespectful, why is it? How much of your perception is informed by the patterns that you grew up in? Your experiences in life? etc. We all have filters that influence how we perceive what is before us, being aware of these is a good step. Don’t be afraid to seek therapy, sometimes its just to help you understand yourself better and your filters.
Third, based on above, in marriage we are advised never to change someone, but that doesn’t mean they won’t change. There’s the person we marry, there’s the person they become when they are married to us. There’s a difference between accepting the person you are with and trying to mould them into what you want them to be. Change is inevitable yes, but that doesn’t mean that you are the one to effect that change. Don’t seek to change someone, no human has ever achieved that. Also because I am a christian, let me explain 3 things. Justice, mercy and grace. In simple terms Justice is you getting what you deserve. If you hurt me and the rule is an eye for an eye then you getting hurt is what you deserve. Mercy is you not getting what you deserve. I believe in legal terms this would be pardon. Grace however is you getting what you don’t deserve. You hurt me, yet I still treat you well, I still love you and all those unconditional things that love does. This is hard! In marriage, truth must be accompanied by grace. You are not expressing your displeasure with the goal of breaking down your partner but you want to help them become the best person they can be for the health of your union. Similarly they do the same for you. Be clear on why you got married in the first place. We always have reasons beyond love. Sometimes these reasons are wrong e.g. dem amefungiwa home na wazazi strict looking for a way out. Boy kadinya who thinks marriage will make him stop that lifestyle. Many different reasons….be clear on what yours is.
Fourth, there’s something we call the Love-Respect cycle. The man’s greatest need is respect, the woman’s greatest need is love. Your partner says something disrespectful and you respond in an unloving manner and the cycle goes on and on. So If you partner says something disrespectful, you have a choice, you can either react (usually to no good end) or you can respond and constructively steer the relationship away from what you have described.
Fifth, who surrounds you? What is your support system like? Over the years of my marriage I have learnt that if you don’t surround yourself with people who have the same beliefs about marriage as you (or you desire) itakua ngumu sana. E.g. if you believe that both partners should be loving and caring to one another and you pursue it yet you surround yourself with people who’s mindset is that their partner is there to serve them, or a man should rule his house with an iron fist, there will be a conflict because you will slowly but surely start to apply the same mindset. Be careful who you keep around you. If they are not helping you keep the sanctity of your marriage, the fruits will be seen in due time. Find an older couple to mentor y’all, find peers that believe in marriage in the same way as you do. Do not isolate yourselves. It never ends well.
sikutaka kuandika lecture ama term paper. I have struggled to make this response concise coz with marriage nothing is ever a straight line. There’s a lot that is interconnected, especially your past…it always comes back to haunt you if you haven’t dealt with it.
